


hard feelings

by mavencalore



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, M/M, Pining, True Love's Kiss, also lapslock, cause im edgy, its not even that angsty, simon pines for a bit and thats all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-31 00:34:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12120696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mavencalore/pseuds/mavencalore
Summary: simon follows baz into the wavering wood.  it's routine; simon keeps walking and baz pretends not to see him.  it's just like every other night, until baz gets hit by a spell of sleeping death and simon's whole world shifts on its axis.





	hard feelings

**Author's Note:**

> it's me ! back on my bullshit with more snowbaz stories :) enjoy 4k of pining!simon ;)
> 
> UPDATE: i fixed some spelling/grammar cause apparently i can't type and listen to music at the same time

**SIMON**

baz still isn’t back.  i told penny i went for a run to clear my head, but so far i’ve been circling between the football pitch and the infirmary.  i’m cold in just my hoodie and it might be snowing but i don’t think i’ll register it until i eventually get sick.  i keep thinking about what happened in the wavering wood earlier, how he followed that creature into the thick of the woods and i followed him.  i was certain he was going to attack me, the way he pulled back the hood of his heavy black cloak, mouth twisted in an angry sneer.  i summoned the sword of mages, but when i drew it in front of me, i was looking at myself, well, the eleven year old version of myself, sick and more than a little ragged looking.  i-he was tossing a red ball between his hands, the same bouncy red one baz threw into the moat our first year at Watford.  

 

“what the hell did you do snow?” baz growled, looking back and forth between the two versions of me.

 

“i didn’t-this wasn’t me!  i don’t know what’s going on? what are you?” i stuttered helplessly.  

 

“i’m you.   _ before _ ,” the thing’s voice was scraping, and the feeling of dread in my stomach  _ still _ hasn’t gone, “your friends gave me that catchy little nickname, didn’t they?  the insidious humdrum.”

 

“you’re the fucking humdrum?” baz shouted. 

 

“no i’m not, i swear!  why do you look like me?” i asked the humdrum desparately.  

 

“that mage of yours, he’s got the right idea.  our magic is…dangerous, unpredictable.  i think it’s  _ fun _ , sucking everyone’s magic dry every time you try to warm your tea.”

 

“you’re causing all the holes?”

 

“i  _ am _ the holes,” the humdrum laughed darkly, no less scary with my eleven year old face, “let’s have some fun, shall we?”

 

baz, who had been silent and still up to that point, drew his wand to deflect the spell the humdrum threw at him.  he snarled, stepping out further in front of me.  

 

“leave, snow, you won’t be able to handle this.”

 

“like hell i’m just leaving you here!” the humdrum paused and looked between us.  the sinister glint in his eyes made my stomach bottom out.  

 

“how quaint,” he whispered.  with an almost bored flick of his wrist, he shot out a spell, wordless, the stream a deep sort of pink, like nothing i’d ever seen.  baz moved quicker than i could, completely shielding me.  he dropped to the floor unconscious and before i recovered the humdrum disappeared, leaving me alone again with baz in my arms.  i looked down at him, angry and confused out of my mind.  

 

“you protected me, why?” i said quietly.  we’ve always been at each other’s throats, pretty much since we met.  even when we fought the chimera together he hadn’t been in any hurry to protect me.  all the stair-pushing, the biting insults, and now he was actively jumping in front of spells to protect me?  what the fuck was he plotting now?  i had to get him to the infirmary quick.  someone would recognize the spell and undo it, and he would be back to his derisive sneering by morning.  i hauled him back through the wood, not without scratching myself up a little too.  his body was lighter than i imagined, his cold hand had sent shivers down my neck where i had draped it.  dev and niall were somehow already near the infirmary.  dev looked ready to stab me as he pulled baz’s body away from me.  niall shut the door in my face.  i left dazed and tired.  my cuts would heal, but telling penny was first priority.  

 

now, i pull the door to mine and baz’s room open, eyeing his freakishly neat half of it waringly before trudging to the bathroom to change.  it takes me a second to remember that i could have changed outside.  baz isn’t here.  i should be relieved, he’s my arch nemesis, but somehow i can’t remember the last time i felt this shitty.  i toss and turn fitfully, punching my pillow in some sad attempt to get comfortable.  the uneasy feeling won’t leave my stomach.  i feel like i have to throw up, so i do.  after, i stay awake staring at the ceiling.  

 

breakfast the next morning brings some answers, and a hundred more questions.  people are staring at me.  i’ve gotten used to it, but today their eyes feel a hundred times heavier.  i take my usual seat next to penny, and her eyes go straight to my empty plate.  

 

“simon you forgot to grab breakfast.”

 

“m’not hungry,” i mumble in reply.  

 

“you’re always hungry,” she looks concerned and i feel guilty, “is this about what happened last night?”

 

“i-yeah, kind of.  listen penny, we saw something last night, in the wood, the thing that cursed baz,” i trail off, looking around to make sure no one can overhear us.  penny leans forward on her elbows, closing in the space to block eavesdroppers, “the spell was like, really dark pink, almost red, i’ve never seen anything like it before-“ but before i can say anything else, agatha is slamming her coffee mug down on the table.  

 

“true love’s kiss,” she says without introduction.  

 

“what?” penny turns her head away from me.  

 

“the curse that basil is under, it’s true love’s kiss!” agatha sounds breathless, and i feel a stab of jealousy, somehow not the same kind i used to feel right after we broke up.  i turn the thought over in my head, trying to picture what it would be like to have true love, trying to picture  _ baz’s _ true love.  i can’t.  

 

“how do you know?” i ask her finally.  

 

“a few girls in our year were loitering around the infirmary this morning, i overheard them talking to nurse olga.  i bet there’ll be a line of them by afternoon,” she tells me.  out of morbid curiosity, i wonder whether she’ll be one of them.  i remember the longing glances she would send his way, that one night after we broke up where i saw the two of them nearly sharing a kiss in the moonlight.  

 

“are you, i mean, do you think, will you-“ i stutter awkwardly, hoping she’ll understand the question i don’t want to ask.  

 

“i don’t know simon, i know you hate him but everyone deserves a shot at true love.  i’ll never know if i don’t try,” she says softly.  her eyes have that delicate, dreamy haze over them.  she used to look at me like that.  

 

“it’s fine agatha,” i reply tiredly, “good luck.” her smile brightens and she sits down properly.  i look at penny from the corner of my eye and she catches me, nodding slightly.  i know she means i can finish telling her about the humdrum thing later.  

 

 

classes are uneventful as usual.  i don’t pay much attention but that’s not new.  i try to hear the whispers of the people around me.  some have theories, others want to try their hand but are afraid to join the gaggle of people already waiting.  of all people, i caught raj singla hesitating outside the door on his way past them.  it makes me wonder, could baz be?  no, i would know about it.  he’s about as open with his love life as he is with everything else but i try to remember if he ever dated anyone.  my curiosity wins out again, and i jog after raj casually.  we used to be tennis partners, until i shot up and couldn’t control my long arms and legs.  i’m still shorter than baz. 

 

“hey simon,” he says jovially when i catch up to him. 

 

“hey raj, where you headed?” i ask him, even though i see the tennis courts coming up ahead.  

 

“courts, for practice, you?” he says.  

 

“uhh, ebb’s place,” i say quickly.  he furrows his brows.  

 

“the goatherd, she lives just past here,” i explain.  

 

he smiles, “that’s sweet, she must be good company then.”

 

“yeah, she is,” i pause for a second, “did you hear about baz?”  i see his face darken, his expression looks closed off and i almost feel bad for prying, but i need to figure out what’s going on.  

 

“you would know, wouldn’t you?  you’re his roommate.”

 

“yeah but no one told me anything.  i dropped him off at the infirmary last night and that’s it.”

 

“wait, you were with him when it happened?  did you see who did it?” he looks interested suddenly.

 

“i…couldn’t really see anything,” i lie, “it all happened so fast, i’m pretty sure the spell was meant for me, not him.”

 

“it was aiming at you?  and you let it happen?  he could have died!  i know you two hate each other, but that’s sick simon,” he’s angry now, and i know he’s right.  i could have done something, i could have moved us both out of the way or something, anything.  the heavy feeling in my stomach is back, and the discomfort of it must show, because raj slows, putting his arm on my shoulder.  

 

“i’m sorry that was, out of line, i didn’t mean it like that, i just-“

 

“you know what the spell is, i know you do.  if you think you can help him, then just do it.  stop thinking about other people and just do it,” i cut him off, pulling his arm away and starting back towards Mummers.  i slow down once he’s out of sight.  i don’t know what to feel.  everything’s so fucking complicated now, baz could die and it would be my fault.  the mage is always telling me to watch my back with him, to make a move when he least expects it, that the magickal community is counting on me, and the first step to winning the war is hurting the old families.  i used to believe him, but now i’m not sure, i’m not sure about any of it.  i’m so caught up in my thoughts that i run face first into penny on the quad outside mummers.  she yelps, stumbling backwards and i bite my lip in embarrassment.  

 

“sorry pen, i didn’t see you.”

 

she ignores my apology completely, “whatever, listen, i found out some stuff about true love’s kiss that you really need to know.”

 

“what’s going on, what did you find?”

 

“it’s bad, simon, how long has it been exactly since he went unconscious?”

 

i think back to last night.  he went straight to the woods after dinner, and it was late in the afternoon now, “a little less than 24 hours, but why does that matter?”

 

“oh god,” penny mutters with her fingers pressed to her temple, “if it’s already been a day, then he only has 48 hours left.”

 

“48 hours left for what?” i’m panicking now, praying to whatever god that she doesn’t say what i think she will.  

 

“if his true love doesn’t kiss him in less than two days, baz will die.  there are different kinds of love spells, but based on what you told me last night?  i’m sure of it.”

 

“of fucking course!  of course the humdrum picked the one that’s like fucking dark magick!”

 

“the humdrum?” penny’s eyes widen, “that’s who cursed baz?  why would he go after him?”

 

“he didn’t go after baz!  he went after me, and baz jumped right fucking in front of me!  i should be the unconscious one, penny, this is all my fault!” everything starts to feel hot, like smoke.  i’m about to go off.  

 

“simon, calm down, it’s okay, we’ll figure this out, please, just breathe for a second,” she grabs my shoulders and lowers us down to the grass. 

 

“why would he jump in front of you, that’s what i don’t understand.”

 

“i’ve been trying to figure that out all day, trust me.”

 

“we need to tell the nurse, the teachers, do you think they know what kind of love spell he’s been hit with?”

 

“i don’t- i don’t know, but we should go now.  he still has two days, they’ll come up with something,” i stand up and penny follows me.  the two of us rush to the infirmary.  there aren’t any people around so it’s easy for us to slip through the door to nurse olga’s office.  we find her sitting behind her desk, writing something on a slip of paper.  she cocks a brow when she sees the two of us standing there.  

 

“nurse olga, the love spell that hit baz, it’s dark magick.  simon was there last night, he saw it,” penny says.  we see the shocked look on her face before her expression falls.  

 

“this is, well, thank you for bringing this to my attention.  unfortunately, if my knowledge is correct, the only way to wake mr. pitch is with a kiss.  dark magick is powerful and binding, there isn’t much we can do,” she says softly.  her answer is expected.  we’ve learned about dark magick before, how twisted it can be.  as much as i wish there was an easy way to fix baz, i know there isn’t.  i nod and head towards the door.  

 

“mr. snow, if i may,” she stops me.  i shrug, not knowing what she means.  

 

“i understand that your history with mr. pitch is…rockier than most, but if you know of anyone who might be able to help with his…predicament, that would be greatly appreciated,” nurse olga looks at me like she expects me not to tell her even if i knew.  

 

“if i knew i would tell you,” i tell her honestly, “baz never tells me anything.   i’ve never even see him flirt with anyone besides agatha.”

 

“ah yes, miss wellbelove was here earlier.  if you or miss bunce find anything else please come let me know.  have a good night mr. snow,” i nod again and leave quickly.  so agatha isn’t his true love.  good.  i feel vindictive.  

 

my feet somehow lead me to the library instead of my room.  the librarian looks too surprised to see me for it not to be offensive, but i ignore her and make a beeline for the dark magick section.  i rifle through dozens of books before i find one the one i want.  it’s thick and yellowing, the leather cover etched with strange markings i don’t understand, but when i open the book and the cloud of dust settles, i see that it’s written in english.  i sit there for what feels like hours, poring over that book and others like it.  i learn for sure that there’s no other way to wake up a person who’s been hit by a spell like this, that it takes an incredible of magick to cast it successfully, and that it’s only ever been attempted three times in recorded history.  but i find something else that makes my heart skip a beat.  apparently, true love doesn’t have to be requited, at least not in this case.  the reason the curse is so deadly is because of the kind of love it demands from the person trying to break the curse.  the selfish, all-consuming kind, the kind that’s deep and obsessive.  no one loves like that.  that’s why no one wakes up from it.  

 

i fall asleep on top of the books eventually.  i know because all of a sudden i open my eyes and in the wavering wood, where baz and i ran into the humdrum last night.  except this time there’s no humdrum.  the air isn’t thick and suffocating, it’s quiet and clear.  i can see the moon clearly through the tops of the trees, and my breath catches when i see where its light lands.  baz is standing near a tree with his back turned, but i can see the way the light frames his thin, angular body and his hair.  he’s wearing it down; i’ve only seen it like that once.  everything about baz is sharp and cutting, but now he seems soft, almost serene.  he turns around slowly, and i realize he’s wearing a plain black sweater, loose and pooling around his wrists.  he smiles at me and a lock of hair falls in front of his eyes.  i step closer to him and everything bursts into flames.  

 

i wake up with a jolt, grossly wiping a bit of drool on my shirt sleeve.  “what the fuck,” i say softly, grabbing my school bag.  do i have feelings for baz?  i think i’m going insane, but then i think about how soft he looked in that dream, how much i wanted to reach out to him.  how much i wanted to- how much i wanted to kiss him.  crowley, i wanted to kiss him.  i think back to all the times we fought, all the things we said to each other, all the times we fought, especially about agatha.  oh god, agatha.  i always thought i was jealous of baz for having such a hold on her, but…everything’s different now.  

 

i take off for the infirmary at a sprint, my bag flying behind me, i hope i remembered to close it.  i skid to a stop in front of the doors.  “i have to try,” i whisper, gently pushing the doors open.  baz’s bed is all the way at the end and the curtains are drawn around it.  i slip between them and i see him lying there with his eyes closed.  his inky black hair is splayed on the pillow around him like a dark halo; he looks beautiful.  i’ve never let myself think like this, and now that i have, i don’t think i’ll ever be able to stop.  i look at his lips, slightly parted and a little greyish like the rest of his skin.  i realize with a start that penny and i were right, he is a vampire.  aleister crowley, i’m in love with him.  i’m in love with my plotting, evil, vampire roommate.  i laugh softly at the insanity of it, then take a breath.  slowly, i move towards him, taking his face gently in my hand.  i find myself sweeping my thumb across his high cheekbones before leaning in fully.  he’s unconscious, so i do the work for the both of us, taking his bottom lip in between mine, trying to bring out the tinge of pink in them.  his mouth is so cold, but the rest of him is so, so warm.  i push harder, and then i feel him wake up beneath me, his lips coming to life before the rest of him.  i pull away abruptly.  

 

“shit, shit shit shit!” i hadn’t expected that to work.  he’s going to kill me if he wakes up to find me here.  he’ll probably think it was some kind of joke.  i turn and run.  

  
  


morning comes, and i realize i have to tell penny.  i’m never sure what to do, but i know that she’ll understand.  i grab a few scones, strawberry today, and sit down next to her. 

 

she frowns when she sees me, “simon, did you get any sleep last night?”

 

i roll my eyes, “not even a little.”

 

“what happened, are you okay?  it’s not nightmares, right?”

 

“no, not nightmares, but you might still think i’m crazy.”

 

penny looks at me, confused, “simon, what’s going on?” she almost whispers.  

 

“i-i kissed baz.  last night, and he woke up.  i ran before he could see me but it worked.  i woke him up,” i wait for her reaction, for the anger or the disgust.  it never comes.  instead, she looks at me like the pieces have finally fallen into place.  

 

“well that certainly explains a lot.  will you tell him?”

 

“crowley no!  i found out last night that true love doesn’t need to be requited for the kiss to work.  if i try to tell him it was me he might actually kill me. no.  i can’t.”

 

“i’m so sorry simon,” she puts her arm around my shoulder.  i feel miserable.  behind me, i hear the heavy wooden doors being pushed open.  baz walks through them like he wasn’t in an eternal coma just a few hours ago.  i stand up and meet his eyes.  the room starts closing in on me so i bolt.  i don’t stop until i’m pushing the door to my room closed, panting against it.  i throw up again, and when i rinse the taste out of my mouth and step out, i see baz standing at the foot of his bed.  his piercing gaze locks on mine, and i stare at the grey storm inside.  

 

“couldn’t stand the sight of me alive, snow?” he sneers at me.  for a moment i think about the baz in my dream, the one who smiled at me, the one who might have been in love with me.  it hurts just to think about him, it always has, but it’s so different now.  i put my head down and walk away.    

 

**BAZ**

snow is acting strangely.  he practically vanished from the dining hall when he saw me, but i’m not surprised that the mere sight of my visage repulsed him.  i can still smell the faint scent of bile.  he won’t stop looking at me.  

 

“couldn’t stand the sight of me alive, snow?” he doesn’t answer, instead walks to his own bed and sits down, opening up his book.  

 

“whatever baz,” he mumbles.  

 

“the nurse told me i was put under true love’s kiss, snow.  care to give me the name of my wonderful saviour?”

 

“why would you assume i knew?” he replies angrily,  still not making eye contact.  

 

i press on, “she also told me you were the one who brought me in.”

 

“so how the fuck would i know who woke you up?  i just didn’t want to responsible for leaving your body in the wood.” 

 

“no need for the language, snow, it was just a question,” i sneer again, i missed winding him up, “maybe it was wellbelove and you don’t want me to know.  maybe you’re jealous that she’s madly in love with me-“

 

“it’s not agatha,” he cuts me off.  i sit on the edge of my bed, leaning forward.  now i’m curious.  does he really know who kissed me?  it wouldn’t matter either way.  i’m still stupidly fucking in love with him.  my gorgeous, aggravating, idiotic roommate.  true love’s kiss can go to hell.  

 

i love him.  he can never know.  

 

**SIMON**

i love him.  he can never know.  

 

**BAZ**

“i can’t tell you,” he says finally.  

 

“why not?  i didn’t think the chosen one could be so heartless.  well done snow.”

 

“if i tell you…you’ll hate me forever.”

 

“i already hate you snow.  there’s no need for dramatics, just tell me who it was, surely you can spare a bit of sympathy-“

 

“i…” he cuts me off, then stops.  

 

**SIMON**

“i don’t actually know,” i lie quickly, “i was just…pulling your leg, i dropped you in the infirmary and left.  carried on with my life,” my sentences are short and fragmented.  nothing unusual, but i’m afraid if i keep talking i’ll tell him everything.  baz doesn’t say anything, just fixes me with a long look i can’t read and turns away from me.  i toss and turn in my sheets until i hear him sighing in annoyance.  satisfied with some reaction, i close my eyes and wait for sleep to come.  it doesn’t.  

 

baz avoids me for weeks.  we have classes together but he treats me like the plague.  it hurts more than it should, i would rather have him at my throat in anger than like this.  radio fucking silence.  my magic is haywire and i can’t find a way to rein it in.  i fail at basic spells, blast silverware across the dining hall, and try not to go off like the ticking time bomb i am.  

 

one night after dinner, almost three weeks after baz wakes up, i almost consider running deep into the wood to let go of all this fucking extra energy.  everything comes out, but i never make it to the wood.  i take two deep breaths to calm myself down, but then i let go and collapse on the bed, heaving sobs and pulling my knees to my chest.  for the first time in my life i felt something real and now i’m this close to killing myself for it.  i should have just left him there, then he would be dead and i would still hate him and i would have saved the world of mages.  it was so easy to make things black and white before i started having dreams about his stupid fucking grey eyes.  i hate him.  i hate baz pitch.  i hate him because i’m madly in love with him and i don’t know how to not be.  

 

i’m crying so loud i don’t hear the door to our room open.  i look up and baz is standing over my bed with a look on his face i’ve never seen before.  he looks…concerned.  bullshit.  

 

“go the fuck away baz.”

 

“cut the shit snow, you’ve been avoiding me for weeks and you look like you’re about to go off.  i don’t need you burning down the whole dorm.”

 

“ _ i’m  _ avoiding  _ you _ ?  you’re the one who can’t stand to be around me!  just because i can’t tell you who broke that fucking curse!”

 

“you’re the most-wait, i thought you said you didn’t know who kissed me.”

 

“i don’t” i whisper quietly, looking down at my hands.  

 

“snow,” he says sharply, “i’m asking you one last time.”

 

“i can’t, i can’t tell you.  you’ll kill me or you’ll hurt me or you’ll hurt yourself i just, i can’t,” i finish dejectedly.  i feel my bed dip down with his weight as he sits down.  i sit up straighter in response.  

 

“i still don’t get why you’re making this such a big deal. i know i’m just some sick monster to you but is it so hard for you to accept that someone might actually love me?” my heart clenches painfully.  he’s getting angry again and i don’t know how to explain this to him without telling him my secret.  then i remember the anathema.  he can’t hurt me in here even if he wanted to.  i take a deep breath.  

 

“i don’t think you’re a monster, baz.  i know you aren’t.  you’re just a boy,” i’m talking so softly he leans closer to hear me.  i’m sure it’s just instinct because i know vampires have sharper hearing.  

 

“you’re lying,” he says.  

 

i shake my head, “i saw you in that hospital bed, i fucking dreamed about you.  and i know you hate me for it but i never think.   _ i just did it.   _ i leaned over and i kissed you.  and then you woke up.  i had no idea you would actually open your eyes but i figured it was unrequited because of fucking course it is.” i stop talking because baz’s face is so close.  

 

“anathema,” i whisper.  he’s going to punch me, i’m sure of it.  

 

“i’m not going to hurt you simon.  i spent the last three weeks praying to every god that no one would come proclaiming to my true love so i could keep this stupid fantasy in my head that you were the one who woke me up.  i’ve been in love with you for six years, simon snow.  so no, i’m not going to hurt you.” 

 

i feel like i’m drunk and dizzy.  baz looks like he’s holding his breath and then i realize, “six years? baz that’s-“

 

“yeah.”

 

“wow.”

 

“i told you, it’s always been you, snow.”

 

“you called me simon before,” my face breaks out into a smile and i feel lighter and happier than i have in forever.  then i can’t breathe and my eyes fall shut because  _ holy shit baz is kissing me _ .  his lips are on mine and this time it’s all warmth and softness and it feels like coming home.  i wrap an arm around his waist and pull him into my lap.  he winds his hands into my hair and pushes deeper.  

 

**BAZ**

this is better than any dream i’ve ever had.  we kissed for hours last night, until our lips went numb and we were both gasping for air.  i told him i loved him and he said it back.   _ he said it back _ .  i fell asleep pressed against his back, legs and bare chests tangled together.  i wake up with a mouthful of golden curls and take a minute to stare.  i see more moles than i can count this close up and when he slowly blinks his eyes awake, i press my lips to the constellations underneath them.  i feel him smile against me.  he pulls me closer and buries his head in my chest again but i don’t mind.  i could give my life over to this.  i don’t realize i’ve said it out loud until he replies.  

 

“me too.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading ! leave comments/kudos (they keep me alive) or hmu on twitter @macchiatomyg ily


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